I love blogging, both the act of blogging, because it helps me develop my thought processes more clearly, but also reading others blogs, because it exposes me to the wisdom and understanding that the Spirit has planted in others. I just finished reading a post by Keith Giles, at Subversive1. If you haven’t read Keith’s blog, check it out. He really has great things to say, and the post linked to below is no exception.
In this post Keith talks about his service to a gentleman named Robert, that has cancer, and it brought to mind something I’ve been kicking around in my head for awhile (there’s a lot of space up there).
I talk plenty about community. I long for community. I love relationships and desire to develop relationships in Christ.
You see, I find that my flesh gets in the way of my experience of community, because I am either selfish, and don’t want to share those I am close to with others, or I am afraid to reach out for fear of rejection, or I would just rather be alone and not mess with other people. I know, it sounds awful, and it is.
Something else I noticed at the worship conference I attended is how difficult it is for the body to relate to one another. I think there is an instinctive lack of trust in others, at least there is in me. I am quick to think the wrong thing of others’ actions, and am afraid that others will think wrong of mine. Its like we’re all trying to dance together, but can’t get in the same rhythm, so we just keep stepping all over each other. I think it will take some serious commitment to community to break through these barriers, and this is why Keith’s post spoke to me. Keith has gone to great lengths to serve another human. Interestingly he finds that the longer he serves the easier it becomes. I think serving others changes us, and brings about maturity, because, as Keith notes, in serving Robert, Keith has learned a lot about himself and about Christ.
In dealing with my own difficulties with relationships and community, I find the source to be from my childhood (a very freudian thing to say, but true), where I decided at some point to not rely on others, and just take care of myself. I have struggled with this, and prayed for understanding and deliverance, but the problem has remained. While going to get groceries for lunch at the conference, the Lord spoke something to me. He said (not audibly) that I just have to do it. I can not let my insecurities stand in the way. I have to approach, love and serve others, and as I do, that barrier inside me will be destroyed. But, as it so often is, the next step is mine! It also helped just to understand the shift that took place so many years ago, to be self-reliant, because that is an untenable position in the body, and in my conscious mind I strive to have my full reliance in Him. I see in this an opportunity to trust Him more, and that is what I want.
Thanks for bearing with my ramblings.